I FORBID MYSELF

Many are times when life proves really unfair, most are the times when we are just passing by, when we have no control of what is happening around us and many are times when we actually have no idea. Psychologists would term it as a form of defense mechanism but that is just a fancy way of describing a certain form of weakness.
Now I had no idea what I was until at least three months had passed, to me I was emerging a victor, little did I know that my world would prove me wrong. Looking up the window I saw him, my ex, fling that is. I knew I was okay with not having him, I knew I could live without him but never for a second did I stop to inquire why I was so okay with the lose.
Am not all that great with reading people's minds so you can only imagine how much more worse I am at reading my own. A simple glimpse at a person can send you into a circle of a million thoughts. So there he was just a passerby, someone that I used to know but guess what i did not know how it felt to be without him.
Yes I knew how it was not to have him around but feel, not by a long shot!
 It had been a heavenly experience, having him with me, he made me feel perfect, and not because he did so much for me but because he was so imperfect in his dealings. When he left my world fell apart, not because I would miss him, but because I then figured out all I knew was a lie. I had been doing the one thing I hated most in life, lying. Lying to myself.
I had created a make-believe kind of world where perfection was the only thing I knew now.But if he was man enough to pretend to love me then he was man enough to pretend to be imperfect. This was only a re-occurrence of an event so many times experienced before and I knew how it felt. His promised to ache a little bit more, he had been my cryptonite.
I had forbidden myself to feel, too many were times when I had allowed myself to feel and it took more time to heal a wound and I was too busy for such. You know those relationships where you take longer to mend a broken heart than it took to actually date someone? Well that is my perfect description of hell.
Thoughts found themselves wandering into the world will li
ve in, in every situation in life we have to chose,Flight or Fight? How many times do you accept things as they are given simply because you cannot afford to look for the facts. the situation might get worse, you may end up with things that are too much to handle so you choose to run. In my situation for instance, what happens if those emotions I have locked away decide that enough was enough? I would crumble, I would fall apart, my world would fall into pieces. sometimes its better to suck it up and face whatever comes your way but am not going to do that. frankly I am planning to run as fast as my feet could allow me.